Category: Reflections

A Journal entry – January 2018 – “Why is writing so difficult?”

Writing without stopping. As fast as I can. I don’t know quite what it will be, I never do. It’s unnerving, every day to face this question of what I will write. I agonize all day long, wandering and wondering… why do I avoid it? What am I afraid will come out?

I just hold my breath until I can’t anymore, holding and holding, over and over again. Why can’t I just breathe in and out, write and rest, write and rest?

Sleep, think, write, walk, run, breathe, hold, release, hold, release. Catch, find, keep, release. I have the tension wrong, the purpose is off, the rhythm is bad. It’s unsustainable, ridiculous, holding and holding, fainting for lack of oxygen. Holding, agonizing, wringing my hands, avoiding the chair, looking at anything but the page.

For whatever reason my excuse is that I don’’t know what I will write, or what I need to work on. When the question is rather something that should be asked after the fact: What is this that I have written? What need is next? Not, what should I write? I’ve tried, its always doomed from the beginning. It’s like asking, what shall I do with this life? All the while forgetting Life is happening, in motion, some of it gone.

Hold tight but not too tight, you’ll hurt something, break apart when you should have been bent, or shatter when you were meant to conform. Breaking is hard, too much for the body. It must bend and twist and move, and glide and sing. Pull and push, invite and give. Not break, and hold and disappear. It is a conundrum. A truth. To work the movement. To bend the will, to listen to the voice, to say yes when all is screaming no.

The no is valid, it is the backdrop. It is the blank slate that every yes is put upon. It holds the tension, the edges, the lines, the glimmer. Without it the yes would have no texture, no feel or look. It would never be right without it’s opposing wrong, it’s blank space, with unending light. Light with no dark, dark with no light. Fall without summer.

To be here, to write, to think, to put it all down. Ten, nine, eight, seven…slipping into the hole of Alice in Wonderland, to find what needs to be found. You do not ask, why, what or how. Just do it: become, transform, right foot, left foot. Around and around. Step, flick, swish.


Journal entry. Date: January 2018

Listening

Before you tell your life what you intend to do with it, listen for what it intends to do with you. Before you tell your life what truths and values you have decided to live up to, let your life tell you what truths you embody, what values you represent.

-Quaker saying

I’ve been told most of my adult life by doctors, “You know your body best.” And I always stare back in horror thinking, “No I don’t, she’s an unpredictable kook with a mind of her own! Why do you think I’m here?”

I haven’t ever quite known what to make of her strange and annoying language of pain and anxiety, with tightness here and stiffness there. I try not to do things that will upset her, attempting to guess at how much I can ask, (get away with), on any given day. But that never goes super well.

My soul has been of little help in this battle of wills. She prefers getting lost, collecting leaves and decorating the house. I let her be for the most part, because I don’t understand her most of the time. On the occasions when I have sought her counsel about my body’s mysterious exhaustion she will usually just say something to the effect of, “oh, well what did you expect?”

I hate this answer and my heart burns with indignation. I am not the oppressor I insist, I am the victim.

I wonder though if some of the tension that exists between my body and I stems from the fact that I bought into the myth that success is measured by what we can force our bodies to do. I thought you could just pick a goal to follow with “will and determination,” and make it happen. 

In addition, I grew up believing various interpretations of the Bible that the heart is deceitful and the body is not to be trusted. Though I have been pushing back on that  theory in the last 10 years or so, I have not gone so far as to actually listen to my unhealed body or my sensitive heart.

However, I’m beginning to see that the messages I internalized and the goals I picked were chosen without regard for the rest of my body, heart, or soul. My ego was doing all the talking. No matter how I presented my plans I did not have consensus. There was no part of my heart, soul or body that was on board with what I wanted. Rather than listening to their push back, I would just talk louder or end the argument.

Finally, last year during one long conversation, when they had me cornered in a hospital room, I was trying to convince them, again, about going to back to college:

“Look,” I said, “I love history, I love listening to lectures, I’m drawn to gender studies and social issues and I want to be a part of those conversations. I want to do big things and be taken seriously. I want use my gifts and interests in writing and teaching. All these things  clearly add up to pursuing a degree. I don’t see what else they could be, this is the only path that combines these in a respectable and understandable way.”

They all just stared back at me as if to say, are you done yet? My soul finally spoke up and asked, “what did you feel in your body when you just said all those things?”

I went quiet for a long time.

My insides were preemptively feeling the constriction of a rigorous and demanding school schedule in which there would be no time to do anything beyond the required assignments and taking care of my body the way it needed. I realized then that when I thought about four years of school my whole body felt dread.

But if I told them that then everything would change. The vision board I had made with images of recognition and accomplishment would be swept away and I would be staring at a blank canvas, again, in a hospital room.

We all sat quietly for a long time, the space softening around us. We didn’t have anywhere else we needed to be. Eventually I turned back to my body and asked what else she felt about our future, what did she dread not being able to do?

What I heard changed everything. My body asked me to notice my hands and feel what they craved. Almost immediately I felt their desire for a craft, for work. They wanted to feel wood, paint and glue, and they wanted to be dirty 63% of every week. My other limbs excitedly started chiming in. My legs wanted movement and flowy skirts, my lungs wanted outside air and the smell of fresh salty wind. On and on my body went with so many needs and ideas.

What I had feared was happening, there was so much wanting being voiced that I was overwhelmed. “How are we going to do it all?” I pleaded. “I don’t know how to carry all of this!” My heart, came close and touched my shoulder gently, then said in a soft clear voice, “This isn’t about doing, it’s about being. Who are we now, and who have we always been?”

The sob in my throat, that had been stuck there for so long, loosened and I allowed myself to feel all the grief of deconstruction. The dam had burst and the waters of desire were rushing over me with all their pent up force. I would either be consumed or I would be freed.

I sat for a long while as everything pooled around me and slowly began to settle. After a a little time I realized that the intensity had ebbed and I could feel the gentle laps of longing, like a bubbling brook finding her way back to the river. I had not drowned. I had allowed what was to pass through, like so many leaves floating down the stream.

Eventually I could see patterns emerge and colors distinguishing themselves in the newly opened space. Images of me absorbed in a painting, sitting in tundra, cooking outside, laughing with friends, and collecting bits of nature and unused furniture were playing in succession, like an old home movie, across my imagination.

“What do you see?” she asked. I couldn’t tell who was talking, but I relaxed at her inviting voice.

Trying to be as honest as I could, I said, “I see someone who is free to be whatever they are. Someone more like an artist than just a writer. A woman who loves everything, including herself, and has a million ideas, all the time.”

When I said the word “artist” every part of me perked up. Without even trying I began remembering all the times people had told me I was an artist, and I how I had attempted to convince them otherwise.

I had to sit with the memories and the word “artist” for a while. Eventually we, my heart, soul and body, started to talk it through. We discussed at length the philosophical limitations of the word, but also the possibilities of what (continuing to) living as an artist could mean. In the end we all agreed that going forward we would in fact refer to our self as an Artist. For right now this means that I follow creative impulses, and make things without judging it as “good” or “bad.” Above all I must practice learning new skills and avoid boxes, labels and other restrictive clothing.

I’m continually amazed at the synchronicity of spiritual and physical events. It’s like they are connected! (She said with a wry smile). I may be waiting for new lungs and liver, but the work of transplant is starting now. Old ways of thinking are being rooted out and replaced with new rhythms, habits and words. I’m building my muscles of intuition and learning to stay grounded in my body and the moment.

I don’t know that I would be able to learn these lessons quite as well at home, where I am too easily distracted being a wife, friend and “nice person.” Learning to own my desires, follow curiosity and take my cravings seriously is requiring all of me. I’ve been gifted a sabbatical, a space to get strong and practice my process. The unique tempo of being on “The List” ensures that I actually do the work. Because no matter how enlightened I may be I will always need a deadline.

Thanks be to God! 

 

Ready

Now that I am officially on the double lung and liver transplant lists, (as April 13th), I realize I have to put the final touches on making sure I’m ready for The Call. After months of preparation, list making and attempting to put together a cohesive filing system, I am left with a nagging suspicion that I will never be quite ready for what is ahead.

There are, of course, multiple levels of “ready” for this situation. There is – 

  • logistics – how I will get to the hospital, who will be with me…
  • paperwork – power of attorney, advanced directives, insurance, passwords…
  • family and friends – making sure people have each other’s numbers and know who to call…
  • What I will need at the hospital – rosary beads, headphones, a “do not disturb” sign, Kleenex (with lotion,) lip balm, my tea…?

The list goes on, or so it feels. 

Really, I just want the list to be long. Like, whatever the equivalent is to tying your shoes very slowly when you have somewhere you don’t want to go… that’s how I am with these dang lists. But I keep hoping that if I’m not ready then maybe that can mean this isn’t happening yet…

But it is happening. I am here at the part where I can get The Call at anytime. I have to face that reality. But how? This question implies that there is a rational answer.

For all the preparation I’ve done on the physical level, I don’t feel ready, and there is the rub. I keep looking for the right combination of check lists, reminders and instructions to conjure the feeling of readiness. I want all this to be managed rationally and calmly.

It is the contingencies, the unknowns, and what is beyond the horizon of lists that has me doubting myself.

Bruce Kramer, in his book “We Know How This Ends,” names this tension best:

“How shall we grow into the demands of what is beyond us?”

How indeed.

In our culture of safety and certainties we don’t like mystery. We are suspicious of the unknown, as if it’s a thing waiting to eat us. I feel like I should be able to wrestle the complexity of this moment into a clear sense of focus. That expectation is not uncommon. However, I have learned, time and again, that it is neither realistic or imaginative to expect maturity to be the equivalent of a perfect spreadsheet.

I came across this quote by the poet John Keats, (taken from the book A Field Guide to Getting Lost by Rebecca Solnit), in which he relates stumbling into a similar revelation…

…”and several things dovetailed in my mind, and at once it struck me what quality went to form a Man of Achievement, especially in Literature…I mean Negative Capability, that is, when a man is capable of being in uncertainties, mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching after fact and reason.”

In other words, facts and reason only get you so far, and represent only part of the picture. Being able to live with mystery and uncertainty, beyond the bounds of what making lists can offer, is also a necessary muscle and skill to hone.

I don’t want to ramp up the tension so tight that I break. I don’t want to live in fear that I’m about to fail. Rather, like a stringed instrument, tuned with tension, I want to learn to play music and change the conversation.

I must accept that the inner work of “readiness,” will not be in solely focusing on the facts and figures of what I’m carrying, rather I need to pay attention to how I’m holding all the realities and mysteries at play.

This knowledge does not change the knot in my chest that won’t seem to ease. I’ve spent the better part of the day trying to coax it loose with painting, a trip to the beach, Facebook and now writing.

As I sit here, mentally grasping for an antidote to the pressure in my heart, my mother’s coaching wisdom rises to the surface of my consciousness  –

“Elizabeth, focus on the fundamentals, stay loose, trust your body.  Now go have fun.”

Once again, I know she is right.

36

Today is my birthday and as I sit here doing a breathing treatment I wanted to tell you about the last few days.

I started last week with a lot of anxiety and a little premature frustration. I didn’t know what I wanted to do for my birthday.

After days with no real headway into any kind of answer I finally had to ask myself Danielle LaPort’s question – “how did I want to feel?”

As best as I could admit, I wanted to feel strong, seen and like I am ready to face the next year.

And what would make me feel that way?

I wanted the answer to be, a big party and everyone to shower me with gifts. And as lovely as that would be, I knew it wouldn’t get at the deeper craving.

So after talking and crying my way through a conversation with my husband on Wednesday, he very gently made the suggestion that perhaps what I needed was to take myself away for the weekend, alone. I knew in my bones that he was exactly right, even as I found myself saying “I couldn’t possibly…”

There is so much tension around this encouragement of aloneness. It feels selfish, and counterintuitive. Logically how does one feel seen if no one is there to see you? How do you feel strong if no one around you will be weaker? How do you send yourself into a new season if no one is there to toast to you?

There aren’t good roadmaps for this kind of detour and very few stories from the field. Perhaps that is because so few of us admit to feeling empty or we think suffering will cure us. Or maybe we are afraid to be alone with ourselves.

Whatever the reason it’s a worthy question.

I’m so happy to be able to tell you I took the encouragement and I went away. I saw a window of opportunity and I knew if I didn’t jump I would regret it.

I literally decided on Thursday that I would go. I left that same night. I gave myself an hour to pack, which was helpful so I didn’t overthink it.

I was given a recommendation for a place to stay in Seward. I called and booked the only cabin they had which was right on the water but no amenities: so no running water or heat, just a wood stove, electricity and a mattress. I was doing this!

I left at 8pm and got there at 11pm.

When I arrived it was COLD, but I could hear the waves lapping and see the stars. I knew I had done the right thing.

After getting settled as best I could in the cabin, which was as bare and cozy as it could be, I finally fell asleep under all the blankets and clothes I had brought. I relished my first test of courage.

Then I woke up to this:

!!!!

I spent the day walking, reading, sunbathing, and thinking. I took my time. I didn’t check the clock or hold myself to any austerity measures. I just tried to be kind but also to challenge myself to dig into some deeper questions that had be tugging at me. I didn’t expect to come away with any conclusions, rather just to have a better grasp of the conversations that my soul and spirit keep trying to have with me.

The day was magical. The wind stayed calm, the sun was warm and I found the best food (in a warm restaurant!). I also found a perfect place called Resurrect Art Coffee shop and gallery, which is in an old style church. Can you get more perfect? I doubt it. I bought art, drank tea and soaked in the view.

For my first solo trip it was an absolute success. I was refreshed and revitalized. I found my peace and felt my strength. Most of all I was able to give myself what I desperately needed: a break.

Hello to pre transplant.

I was so worried the weather would be poor, that the rain would pound and I wouldn’t be able to stay dry. I found myself rubbing my right wrist with my left hand and looking into a distance that the wall in front of me could not reveal.

What would happen when they stuck a tube up my nose? What did a heart cath procedure feel like? How much numbing medication would be available? Was general anesthesia an option for any of this?

What would the “lung transplant class” actually teach me? Could I play hooky? What would I do with my hands while I listened? At what point during the next two weeks of tests would I have an emotional break down? What if I got sick?!

The clouds of worry kept getting darker the closer to Sunday and my flight to Seattle became. I found myself more worried it would turn into a lightning storm setting fire to unknown parts of me, than I was about the fact that I was being evaluated for a double lung and liver transplant.

Anxiety wreaks havoc on my imagination, I know this. I knew this. I did my best to mother myself before hand – responding to each internal outburst of worry with a deep sigh and, “you’ll be fine,” but also trying to hide my worry from my anxiety.

How do I reconcile the manic, the depressive, the anxious and the adult parts of myself? Knowing is only half the battle. The other is believing yourself.

I did my best to set up way stations of rest throughout the two weeks I would be gone. I flew my mom in half way through, in case of an emotional breakdown. I made sure to stay with family, and to not over-schedule myself. At the last minute I remembered to pack good food for my mind and soul.

A huge boon was Pádraig Ó Tuama’s meditation of saying hello to whatever you meet. I had his book, “In the Shelter” with me and it helped keep me grounded to each place and feeling I was in.

His words prompted me to say hello to each new feeling and place. Hello to the knot rising in my chest and the cloud brewing in my head. Hello to the discomfort and the waiting. Hello to the funny jokes and delicious food. Hello to the knowing and to all the things still unknown. Hello.

The cadence of greeting changed the experience for me in a revolutionary way. All of a sudden I realized the choice had been to engage or not, to turn toward the experience with curiosity rather than letting my anxious imagination dictate the terms.

In many ways it felt like I was a child again and one of my parents was telling me to acknowledge a guest. Pay attention they would say, don’t be rude. Just stop and say hello.

I am always afraid I will be on the hook for something if I say hello or acknowledge that I have seen or heard. I’m terrified that I can only do everything or nothing. “Everything” in my mind is all the hypothetical situations I can imagine may happen. I create escape routes and try to predict how I will feel in each situation.

To justify this type of mental exercise I tell myself I’m “preparing,” but really, for me, I’m saying yes to burn out. It’s the quickest way to use up all my energy before anything has happened. I’m slowly getting better at catching and reminding myself to simply plan for what I know I will always need: a nourishing book (or podcast), good company, an easy schedule and food.

Engagement, as opposed to “preparing,” I’m finding, is simply looking up and saying hello without having to know “everything.” I would have missed the beauty and enjoyment of the last two weeks if I had insisted they needed to be hard. The truth is, I didn’t quite know what they would be. I knew, however, if I let the gloom of the clouds I was feeling write the story off before it happened, then I would have missed it. Each day was its own experience, and more often than not, the sun broke through the clouds and all went well.